Every Fall, swarms of attractive women enroll in school, mere months removed from varsity high school athletics and twice-per-week drinking habits.

Every fall, male upperclassmen perch on their porches with free alcohol, like bears waiting for the salmon to spawn up stream, every one of them hoping to swipe a keeper before the long winter sets in.

...and oh boy does winter set in. All winter long, the former beauty queens dine on dorm food and alcohol, incubating in the heat of the dorms and growing, growing, growing.

Spring comes, and many of the ladies emerge from the depths of their dormitories with much larger shadows than when they had entered. This occurs just in time for everyone to go home, only for the cycle to start again the following fall, and the beat of the Ann Arbor drum goes on.

If there are any women reading this, you are no doubt pissed. Please take consolation in our "Freshman Boys: Get 'em while they're skinny" design. We don't think it actually works both ways, but here's us being fair!

We aren't actually chauvinists, we just like money. Plus, we're fat.